I love total honesty. Not holding anything back, not being afraid of what others might think. A bold, uncaring straightforwardness. In the retail industry, there is no such thing. Employees dance around tough and important issues, doing their best to accept anyone and everyone, because no matter what race, what religion, what sexual preference... you have money, and for me to keep my job I need that money to go to the fat cats sitting high in corporate positions. People who work retail are expected to lick boots, no matter how filthy, because lickin' boots puts money in the registers.
And I've been swept into that dustbin, too. I long to be honest. I long to draw an ugly, barbaric knife and repeatedly stab the false and cowardly heart that replaces my true feelings when I don the jester's mask. I want that heart to bleed, to bleed and halt its pulse and die outright forever. But it lives and I pin it to my chest every time I leave my home full of straight-up honesty and enter the mummer's farce of retail. I wear the ugly curling smile that says: "I accept you! Buy this, it will make you happy!" When in my heart, deep down and undetectable it really screams: "You're a disgrace to humanity! I hate what you stand for, and who you are!"
Don't get me wrong. For what it's worth, I do like where I work. Most of my coworkers are nice people who I care for, and who care for me. But to be brutally honest, I am exhausted by the deceit to ourselves and to others that the entirety of retail stands to be.
At writing meeting. We are honest. When a compliment is paid, we know it's straight from the heart. And when criticism is belched forth, that too has its place. And is heeded, or disregarded in the name of truth to each other, to ourselves, to our works...
We met at Jesse's again for writing meeting. After an evening of work, it's heaven to sit with a warm mug of tea in hand and some heartfelt words on paper. Nothing manufactured, nothing mass-produced... just honest writing full of human error. It's a beautiful piece he's working on, one that was hard to tear at because it's so great. All I want him to do is work on it and work on it so he can finish this section and I can read it as a whole.
It was hardly the most... productive of meetings. But it definitely served its purpose. It was an evening of honesty... and a delightful one at that.